An extract from “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray from the female perspective:
The Hidden Reason She is Arguing:
- “I don’t like it when he minimizes the importance of my feelings or requests. I feel dismissed and unimportant.”
- “I don’t like it when he forgets to do the things I ask, and then I sound like a nag. I feel like I am begging for his support.”
- “I don’t like it when he blames me for being upset. I feel like I have to be perfect to be loved. I am not perfect.”
- “I don’t like it when he raises his voice or starts making lists of why he is right. It makes me feels like I am wrong and he doesn’t care about my point of view.”
- “I don’t like his condescending attitude when I ask questions about decisions we need to make. It makes me feel like I am a burden or that I am wasting his time.”
- “I don’t like it when he doesn’t respond to my questions or comments. It makes me feel like I don’t exist.”
- “I don’t like it when he explains why I should not be hurt, worried, angry, or anything else. I feel invalidated and unsupported.”
- “I don’t like it when he expects me to be more detached. It makes me feel like it is wrong or weak to have feelings.”
What She Needs Not to Argue:
- She needs to feel validated and cherished. Instead she feels judged and ignored.
- She needs to feel respected and remembered. Instead she feels neglected and at the bottom of his list of priorities.
- She needs him to understand why she is upset and reassure her that she is still loved and that she doesn’t have to be perfect. Instead she feels unsafe to be herself.
- She needs to feel understood and respected. Instead she feels unheard, bullied and pushed down.
- She needs to feel that he cares about her feelings and respects her need to gather information. Instead she feels disrespected and unappreciated.
- She needs to feel reassured that he is listening and that he cares. Instead she feels ignored or judged.
- She needs to feel validated and understood. Instead she feels unsupported, unloved and resentful.
- She needs to feel respected and cherished, especially when she is sharing her feelings. Instead she feels unsafe and unprotected.
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