The Secret Reasons Women Argue

An extract from “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray from the female perspective:

The Hidden Reason She is Arguing:

  1. “I don’t like it when he minimizes the importance of my feelings or requests. I feel dismissed and unimportant.”
  2. “I don’t like it when he forgets to do the things I ask, and then I sound like a nag. I feel like I am begging for his support.”
  3. “I don’t like it when he blames me for being upset. I feel like I have to be perfect to be loved. I am not perfect.”
  4. “I don’t like it when he raises his voice or starts making lists of why he is right. It makes me feels like I am wrong and he doesn’t care about my point of view.”
  5. “I don’t like his condescending attitude when I ask questions about decisions we need to make. It makes me feel like I am a burden or that I am wasting his time.”
  6. “I don’t like it when he doesn’t respond to my questions or comments. It makes me feel like I don’t exist.”
  7. “I don’t like it when he explains why I should not be hurt, worried, angry, or anything else. I feel invalidated and unsupported.”
  8. “I don’t like it when he expects me to be more detached. It makes me feel like it is wrong or weak to have feelings.”

What She Needs Not to Argue:

  1. She needs to feel validated and cherished. Instead she feels judged and ignored.
  2. She needs to feel respected and remembered. Instead she feels neglected and at the bottom of his list of priorities.
  3. She needs him to understand why she is upset and reassure her that she is still loved and that she doesn’t have to be perfect. Instead she feels unsafe to be herself.
  4. She needs to feel understood and respected. Instead she feels unheard, bullied and pushed down.
  5. She needs to feel that he cares about her feelings and respects her need to gather information. Instead she feels disrespected and unappreciated.
  6. She needs to feel reassured that he is listening and that he cares. Instead she feels ignored or judged.
  7. She needs to feel validated and understood. Instead she feels unsupported, unloved and resentful.
  8. She needs to feel respected and cherished, especially when she is sharing her feelings. Instead she feels unsafe and unprotected.

The Secret Reasons Men Argue

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The Secret Reasons Men Argue

An extract from “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray from the male perspective:

The Hidden Reason He is Arguing 

  1. “I don’t like it when she gets upset over the smallest things I do or don’t do. I feel criticized, rejected and unaccepted.”
  2. “I don’t like it when she starts telling me how I should do things. I don’t feel admired. Instead I feel like I am being treated like a child.”
  3. “I don’t like it when she blames me for her unhappiness. I don’t feel encourages to be her knight in shining armour.”
  4. “I don’t like it when she complains about how much she does or how unappreciated she feels. It makes me feel unappreciated for the things I do for her.”
  5. I don’t like it when she worries about everything that could go wrong. I don’t feel trusted.”
  6. “I don’t like it when she expects me to do things or talk when she wants me to. I don’t feel accepted or respected.”
  7. I”I don’t like it when she feels hurt by what I say. I feel mistrusted, misunderstood and pushed away.”
  8. “I don’t like when she expects me to read her mind. I can’t It makes me feel bad or inadequate.”

What He Needs Not to Argue

  1. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is. Instead he feels she is trying to improve him.
  2. He needs to feel admired. Instead he feels put down.
  3. He needs to feel encouraged. Instead he feels like giving up.
  4. He needs to feel appreciated. Instead he feels blamed, unacknowledged and powerless.
  5. He needs to feel trusted and appreciated for his contribution to her security. Instead he feels responsible for her anxiety.
  6. He needs to feel to accepted just the way he is. Instead he feels controlled or pressurized to talk and thus has nothing to say. It makes him feel that he can never satisfy her.
  7. He needs to feel accepted and trusted. Instead he feels rejected and unforgiven.
  8. He needs to feel approved of and accepted. Instead he feels like a failure.

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The Wolves Within

The Two Wolves

The Two Wolves

An old grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice… “Let me tell you a story.”

“I too at times, have felt great hate for those who have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It’s like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.”

“It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right do so, and in the right way.”

“But…the other wolf…ah! The littlest thing will send him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all of the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.”

“Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me. For both of them try to dominant my spirit.”

The boy looked intently into his grandfather’s eyes and asked, “Which one wins grandfather?”

The grandfather smiled and quietly said, “The one I feed.”

Image Source: https://www.etsy.com

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